There’s a song lyric that keeps popping into my head lately, sometimes multiple times a day. “Just because you’re paranoid don’t mean they’re not after you.” I recognize that this is especially relevant to my situation, where there is an always-present sense of paranoia and dread that the slightest creak of the floor or shadowy movement, innocuous open cabinet or clank of the heating system, is some sign of the supernatural. I can honestly say that when I close my eyes now and hear a sound that should be totally normal in my 100+ year old house, my mind can’t help but conjure up images of black winged terrors, ancient ghostly figures, and cosmic horrors hovering just outside the reality that we all know and understand.
Today it’s cold spots. We’re in a massive cold snap in Providence, with the ‘Polar Vortex’ all over the news and strong winds driving the temperatures well below zero, so feeling a chilling draft in my house – again, over 100 years old – shouldn’t be unexpected. They are disturbingly prevalent today, though, with chills blowing down the back of my neck or a slight but noticeable cold breath blowing against my cheeks. I’m trying to ignore it – I’m working so hard to just ignore it and pass it off as a drafty old house, but I’m feeling chills in the dining room, nowhere near a window, or in the downstairs bathroom that was remodeled less than five years ago and has all new weatherproof windows. It’s really starting to unsettle me.
This is the problem with what’s going on now, dealing with things that we grow up believing are impossible, the stuff of fairy tales and ghost stories. I’ve seen things, experienced things I cannot possibly explain or understand. Terrible things, terrifying things, or just unusual things that defy all logic and rationalization, and even though I’ve caught some of these things on video and audio, even though I have a folder of photographs I cannot possibly deny, my rational adult mind still tells me they are impossible and I am, for lack of a better term, crazy. Even after all I’ve seen and experienced, I still can’t honestly tell myself I believe in it, and every time I see or hear or experience something, my rational mind kicks into high gear, telling me it’s ‘just the wind’ or – more often – telling me I must be losing my mind, that what I’m seeing or experiencing is impossible. Of course, as I said in the beginning, as much as my mind tells me I’m crazy and these bizarre things can’t possibly exist, it has NO problem filling my head with all manner of terrors every time I hear a creaking floorboard or I see a shadow out the corner of my eye…
If I’m not going crazy with everything that’s going on around me, I guess the real question is… why not?