I am Not Unhappy 

The city from a distance. Even in the bright October sun, there is a darkness there, a cold energy that permeates every brick, every window. Most people can’t see it, or won’t see it, but it weighs on me. Every day I feel it and it drains me, it fills my head with its malevolence. Every night it fills my dreams with twisted piping and burning winds and things… things I don’t want to recall in daylight but that press upon my eyelids just the same.   
I am not unhappy though – that’s the thing the doctors could never understand, could never accept. With all that I see and all that I know, I am not unhappy. I feel the weight of this black knowledge pressing upon me, I know what horrors lurk in the shadows and what rancid, pestilent  things crawl through our world, and I fear; oh yes, I fear. I know terrors that most men would scarce imagine. But I am not unhappy. 
I was unhappy for so long – I was depressed, I couldn’t understand what was happening, my world view was shattered into a million kaleidoscopic pieces. Dark beings, dream portals, mad piping, bizarre spells and dark rituals; these were not things of my world, of the rational world, and so my rational mind could not cope. It was only after… events, terrible events that I dare not mention here, that I came to a new understanding, a new rationale. That is when I realized that the dark chaos that surrounds us all was not some ‘family curse’ handed down for generations. No, this darkness had been there since time immemorial, and my knowledge of it was not undoing my world, but re-focusing it as it truly is. 

So that is the truth of it. I see things as they are, I know about the darkness that lurks beneath the thin veneer of the ‘normal world’, I know of Yog Sothoth who is the gate, I know of the mad piping of the cosmos, and I now know I am better for it… better even though it may kill me, as it has done so many others. 

Secrets should stay hidden. 

Beware the shadows. 

 

 

New Trap Cam footage… but the trap cam was destroyed

It was early morning and I awoke from a dark, swirling dream of half-formed figures and terrifying sounds.  I awoke to a shrieking in the real world, a horrible, shrill sound that split the quiet of the pre-dawn morning.  My neighbor heard it – he was out getting the paper, I think – and was knocking on my door, asking if everything was all right.  I told him it was the tea kettle, but I could tell he didn’t believe me.  It didn’t sound anything like a tea kettle, but what else could I say?

Once I got rid of him I ran down to the basement where the shriek came from; I saw the camera first – it was smashed, in several pieces.  It looked like it was stepped on somehow, but by what I have no idea.  The rat trap was sprung and there was that horrible smelling green slime all over the place, there were boxes knocked over – something had happened, clearly, but I wasn’t sure what.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to know – I’m still not.

I thought the video chip in the camera was broken, but I was finally able to get it out of the camera and with a little fiddling, I got the video imported to my computer.  It breaks up at the end, but you can see something when it falls… something hairy and possibly covered with that slime, it’s hard to make out.  It isn’t a rat though – I’ve long given up on the idea that it’s rats in my walls…

Late Summer Heat…

It’s hard to keep my thoughts in order, things get so jumbled.  I found myself walking today, around College Hill..  I’m not sure how I got there, to be honest.  As I said – things get jumbled, confused.

I was walking and I know it was hot – a hot, humid day in the city, my skin clammy with sweat and prickling from the heat.  There was almost no breeze, I remember that.  I suddenly found myself in a deep shadow and stared up to see a huge brick tower, one of the great landmarks of Brown University.

Clocktower

Clocktower

I stood there, in that shadow.  I felt beads of sweat condense and roll down my back, icy cold in the heat.  I just stood there, I don’t know how long I stood there, but at some point…   I made it home just before dark, drenched in sweat and so thirsty I drank right from the faucet until I was lightheaded.  I know there are missing hours – like I said, I get confused sometimes, my thoughts get jumbled.

There was something about that tower.  It reminded me of something, but I just can’t remember what.  It’s so very hot out there…

Nothing in the trap yet, but other things are out there in Providence

I haven’t had any action on the new trap – nothing on the cameras and the trap hasn’t moved.  I still hear scratching behind the walls every day, especially in the kitchen and in the upstairs hallway.. I don’t know what it is but I hope the new trap will take care of it.

I’ve been spending more time outside the house, not just because of the warm Summer weather, but also to escape the scratching and the general feelings of malevolence that seem to permeate my house at times.  It seems that just leaving the house isn’t easing my mind any more, though; even out on my restorative walks I am still plagued by… things. Continue reading

The Man from the Dream

Sleep has been fleeting as of late – the infernal scratching and other noises keep waking me up, or else dark dreams disturb my restless mind.  That’s why last night was such a strange and, dare I say, welcomed change.  I fell asleep early, dozing on the couch almost before darkness fell, then roused myself enough to climb up the stairs and drop into bed.  I didn’t perform any of my typical nightly rituals or invoke my standard charms, yet I still slept deeply and, instead of the dark twisted dreams that typically haunt my nights, I recall simpler and calmer imaginings.

In the dream I found myself walking down Benefit street on a sunlit afternoon.  The street was filled with people, but they were dressed strangely, in very formal clothes that seemed more appropriate to a previous century, with high necked dresses on the women and formal suits and hats on the gentlemen.  It was a cheerful scene and, as I walked along the tree-lined streets I found myself feeling more at ease than I had felt in months.  Continue reading

I set up a Trap Cam… It’s not rats. It’s definitely not rats

I’m still plagued by the incessant scratching noises coming from my walls…  I’ve tried using traps, putting them out in different places, using different baits… sometimes nothing at all happens, the trap stays there for days, untouched.  Sometimes the traps are moved.  Sometimes they’re destroyed.  But in all these weeks, I’ve never actually caught anything – the only thing left behind has been green slime and a terrible odor.  I decided to try something different, just to understand what I was dealing with…  Now I wish I hadn’t.  God, I wish I hadn’t.

I bought a night vision camera, an infrared model I could plug in and set to record all night, watching a mousetrap.  I set it up near one of the traps and let it record, then I’d review the footage every day.  For four days nothing at all happened – the trap remained untouched and the footage was clear.  Then, this morning, the trap was gone and there was more of that green slime and that foul smell.  I checked the camera right away and…  I don’t know what it is; I can hear it, the green slime drips like, like drool…  and then whatever it is obscures the camera and takes the trap.  Continue reading

Mysteries on the Wind

I was walking downtown, just wandering like I’ve been doing more and more.  So much on my mind, so much going on, things I don’t understand, things I don’t want to understand.

IMG_1969I heard the bells of the church chiming – one of the old churches so common here in Providence.  I looked at my phone and saw it was 5:17 – not time for churchbells.  I listened again and they were ringing, but distant – there was an echo to them, a strange quality like I was hearing them through some kind of distortion…

Sometimes I’m not sure if what I’m seeing and hearing is real or imagined or a combination of both.  They told us, back in group…  told us about reality, about how to tell if the things we see and hear are real or imagined.  The problem is that, some of the things, these things I see and hear… they’re both real and imagined…  I mean, they can’t be real, but I can touch them, or record them, or feel them breathing on me when the darkness in my bedroom is so complete that even the streetlights won’t penetrate it.